Comments on: Carolyn Bourne’s email on English manners says it as it is – no wonder Heidi Withers withers

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 12:17:23 +0000

I find it very revealing that only part of the email in question is posted. Where is the part in which MIL states her feelings about the BTB being diabetic? If MIL knew of the BTB's diabetes and didn't make allowances for it at meal planning then it seems to me that MIL was definitely trying to put the BTB in a bad position. Diabetes is not a game and the wrong foods, too little food, etc can lead to coma and death. If the girl had to bypass the larger part of the meal and take seconds on what she could eat then that is on MIL and her bad meal planning. She put the BTB in the position of having to explain why she couldn't eat certain things and then MIL complains about it. That is the epitome of passive aggressive behavior as well as the epitome of bad manners. Good manners would have been to have shown care for the girl's diabetes, and at the very least tried to make the BTB comfortable in the GTB's family home. A true and gracious hostess places her guests needs above her own sensibilities, attempts to make everyone feel welcome, and makes herself aware of any special needs of guests, none of which, it seems, was done by MIL. So my question is "who truly shows bad manners?"

By: Bridge

Bridge — Sun, 03 Jul 2011 17:27:27 +0000

It's unfortunate. I think Mrs Bourne has made a mistake expressing herself this way as she probably just doesn't like the girl or the fact that her son is marrying at all.
Depending on his character, she may have alienated him and their future children. At the very least she'll have impacted on his happiness where a less critical 'hard line' appeoach might have been more successful.
It's partly a 'generation' type thing - personally, if my son brought home a girl who helped herself at dinner I'd be flattered she liked my cooking and felt relaxed in my home.
Mrs Bourne isn't the queen of her son's affections anymore. Whilst still being the matriach of the family I think she needs to come to terms with this.
It's poor taste to talk about money as she does - she should have spoken up to her son about budgeting when things were being arranged.
Manners move on and the best thing to do is to be generous hearted enough to cut youngsters a little slack, set an example and negotiate.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 01:41:12 +0000

You all writing comments are so wrong about her picky food comments. Heidi is diabetic. Find the full version out there. A good hostess should have asked the guests prior what Heidi was able to eat. A good hostess aims to please their guests not make them feel uncomfortable in the home. Which I am sure Carolyn did at every available opportunity. Everyone disagrees about wedding, especially the people having to throw money into it. It is not out of the norm and Carolyn was just spewing wrath because she doesn't like her daughter in law to be. Oh well…

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Sat, 02 Jul 2011 00:04:09 +0000

Ahhh, but how very devious of Mrs. Bourne to spend the entire weekend tallying up wrongdoings and then list them out point by point in a mean spirited email. If she was that offended, she could have spoken to Freddie about it and let him help his fiancee be a better guest. When people come visit me, my motto is, "Be my guest!" And if you have special needs, especially something medically relevant, I say, "Do what you must to keep yourself healthy." Mrs. Bourne is a snooty snob. If she doesn't want to pay for a castle wedding, she has the choice to say so. Nobody is twisting her arm. We all have choices in life, and Mrs. Bourne needs to quit playing the victime.

By: Claudio

Claudio — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 18:44:15 +0000

I do find it interesting that with so many big issues in the world - war, famine, financial crises to name but three - so much of the web is taken up with this story.

None of the three come out well - mother-in-law (smug, bossy and self-important), daughter-in-law (tittle-tattling on the Internet) or son / husband (weak or stupid) - a bunch of people who ought to know better.

All these people going on about manners would do to remember the wisdom, and politeness, or keeping your opinions to yourself. As I'm uncouth, it doesn't matter.

I've rather taken to Ms Withers' father, though.

I wonder how many of the people posting today will come back and post on another subject. Or are they not really contributing, just looking for somewhere to voice their opinions?

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 16:44:21 +0000

Well, even though this letter refers to English etiquette and I am a foreigner, even I have to admit that the future daughter-in-law displayed a certain outgoing rudeness that is easily taken as "charming" in these days. But what I think is even more rude is that she sent this letter to her friends and that those had the audacity to sent them around, making a public display out of an domestic affair. I wonder if the young bride will in the future put up one of those "tweets" and keep the public informed of how badly she is treated by her mother-in-law. She sounds as if she likes to take private things into public. I really do not envy Mrs. Bourne for her daughter in law, because this young lady bites back most viciously by publishing things that should stay behind closed doors.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Johansen

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 15:50:45 +0000

This is the reason that America was born, to rid ourselves of self-righteous dictators. I would like to give Mrs Bourne a few lessons on anal sex and take her down a few notches 😉

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 10:58:35 +0000

Mrs Bourne complaines about her future daughter-in-law failing to send a thankyou card after the visit, yet she chooses to voice her criticisms by email! I assume, like all ladies in the social position she aspires to, Mrs Bourne posesses good quality writing paper, envelopes and a fountain pen. She could have set an example by using them and then, for the price of a stamp, saved this rediculous situation from going public!

By: Silent Auction Software

Silent Auction Software — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 07:11:03 +0000

I completely agree with what you have said, Miss Withers needs in my opinion to learn some manners. Surely it is simple that you don't behave that way to your host. Most brides want their mother in law to like them so behave appropriately.
I do also agree that this matter could have been delt with differently with possibly a quiet word with her son.
What fun their family get togethers will be!

By: Deb

Deb — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 07:09:53 +0000

This isn't the full text of the email. Heidi has diabetes I and has to be careful of what, when and how much she eats. The MIL disparages her for bringing up her condition at all (in the full text of the email) I agree about the thank you notes but this woman is a total cow.