David Cameron’s emergency breakfast meeting…….

“It’s been an incredible week, Sam, darling!” David Cameron said at breakfast this morning.

“Has it darling?” Sam purred looking up from the newspaper with her customary pout.

“Yes, incredible. You know, some of those Middle Eastern chaps are perfectly decent. It’s not just oil and sand out there you know. I had an amazing time.”

“Did you darling? that’s nice.” Sam was only muttering the words dutifully – her mind was on a piece in the paper.

“What are they saying about me in the papers today, my sweet?”

“Oh, nothing much, darling. The usual. They think you got into a frightful mess over all those people stuck in Libya. We know it isn’t your fault but people can be simply horrid in the papers. You weren’t to know how you charter planes and things. You are the Prime Minister for God’s sake not some jumped up little travel agent. Really!”

“Well I am extremely sorry about that Sam, I really am. I didn’t realize that all those Brits would want to leave. After-all I have been having a wonderful time out in the Middle East and I just didn’t think for a moment that anyone would want to come back to our frightful weather here in London.”

“I know, darling, it is ghastly here isn’t it! I wish we had all gone skiing with Nick Clegg – Switzerland is so lovely at this time of year.”

“I had to get him to come home early, poor chap. Everyone has been telling me to arrange an emergency committee about the Libya thing. Over reacting I thought, but what do I know, we got round to it in the end.”

“My poor darling! You have such a horrid time being PM. People can be so beastly.”

“Thank you my sweet! Sometimes I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have you to advise me.”

“Well I think that you are making a wonderful prime minister, Dave. You look positively dishy on TV and your speeches are always so, er, well, heart-felt.”

“It will be just fine. we have agreed to help all those British workers that are stranded in the desert in those frightful oil encampments. It’s incredible what can be done – you know,  just imagine, we have got some chaps from the embassy in Tripoli to meet them if they can get to the airport there and we have chartered a plane to bring them home. And, what’s more, clever this, even if they have lost their passports, we can sell them another one for £71 right there on the spot before they get on the plane. So, if they can get across the desert to our embassy chappies,  they will be just fine.”

“You are so clever, Dave! You are saving lives in Libya and getting money back to clear the deficit – brilliant darling!”

“Well I do my best, Sam, but sometimes this being Prime minister thing is more difficult than I thought. I don’t know, I get up in the morning feeling incredibly optimistic with the best intentions and I know what I want to do and then somehow, things keep going wrong. They never quite work out as I intended.”

“I know, darling…..” Sam’s eyes are still focused on the newspaper article.

“So are you still reading all those awful things the papers are saying about me? I think you should ignore them like I do.”

“Oh don’t worry, darling, I’m not reading about you. There’s a lovely piece here about Kate Middleton.”

“Oh, right….”

“Oh Dave, don’t be all sulky again. It doesn’t always have to be about you, you know. Look, there’s a lovely picture here of Kate on her first public appearance as a royal – it is somewhere in Wales, I think.”


“It’s amazing! You know, talk about austerity, she is wearing an old coat, you know, something she has worn before. She has this perfectly ordinary coat she picked up for £750 to wear to the races a few years ago and, brilliant this, she has had it shortened and she is wearing it again, you know, can you believe it, for the second time. Everyone is saying how she has the common touch and those people down there in Wales just loved the old coat too. Not sure if I would have dared but good on her.”

“Oh Sam, it’s so unfair! She just has to wear an old coat and everyone loves her but I never seem to get anything right.”

‘Oh darling, cheer up. You know that I love you even if nobody else does.”

“Well thanks – you know just how to make a chap feel good.”

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