How to train your puppy, Mr. President

Is there a look of strain on President Obama’s face in this picture? Well this week sees his first 100 days in office.

So there was nothing quite like taking a few moments out, relaxing with the family and, well, that new dog.

Sadly, I don’t think Mr. President is having any fun at all. Who the hell thought of getting a puppy? Surely only an idiot would try to rule the world and house train a dog?

His daughter looks happy enough of course, I bet she has been asking for a puppy for at least 100 days. If only Barack Obama had told her the awful truth about puppies.

If your child sees this lovely family scene and pesters you for a puppy, let him or her read this. It is all they will ever need to know to pester for a goldfish instead.

How to train your dog

If you are lucky enough to be the owner of a little puppy then the first thing you should do is feel very happy and proud. This is because you are about to live with one of Nature’s friendliest and most loving creatures.

So when you get him or her home, you must be friendly and loving too.

Don’t forget that your new little friend has just had to leave his mother and all his little brothers or sisters. Male dogs are called dogs and female dogs are bitches.

Now he is only very young and he won’t know yet that it is naughty to do poo and wee on the floor at home so you mustn’t be cross with him because he doesn’t know he is doing wrong.

Just be happy and friendly about it and put newspapers down on the floor. It is better to use papers like The Times or The Guardian because they soak everything up better than papers like The Mirror or The Sun. If there are no newspapers in your house, and this does happen sometimes, use rolls of paper or theatre programmes instead.

With each day of more poo and wee, you move the papers nearer and nearer to the door, remembering to be happy and friendly even if you are really very cross.

When your puppy is still very young there is no point in trying to teach him anything, just carry on being friendly and play with him a lot. Stop him biting you too much though because he will have very sharp teeth and he will want to chew you all the time.

He will also want to eat everything in the house including all your toys and other things that could make him feel very ill. He will like chewing all the furniture too but you must be very careful not to let him do that.

Now remember not to shout at him even if he has just eaten your favourite toy. He doesn’t know that it is naughty so just take it away from him and make sure that you put things out of the way in future so that he can’t do it again.

When he gets bigger you will be able to take him out for walks.

By now, all those newspapers will have been moved so near to the door that he will know always to do his wee and poo in the street or in the park so when he wants to go out he will bark a lot until you take him.

Poo can’t be left outside because it would be horrible for other children to fall over in it or get it on their hands or in their mouths. Luckily you can get special little bags for picking up all the poo and you can then put it in a special place or take it home with you.

When your puppy is big enough to do this then you can start the rest of his training. I will tell you all about that another day.

Maybe, if you are lucky, this will be all you need to put your child off for life.

Meanwhile Mr. President, why not give the dog to Sarah Palin. She has a way with animals.

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